BUSH
A short play written for KMZ's '24 Hour Theatre Festival'
By Sabrina Chapadjiev

The lights are down on a semi chic French living room.   there is a couch lace center with a small table in front of it, a small table besides it and to the back and in the right is a very small kitchen.   The kitchen is a seperate room, but really tiny, and next to it, on the left, is a small balcony that is accessible only through the kitchen, but is viewable from the living room.   Off stage left is both the bathroom and the bedroom, the bedroom being upstage and the bathroom being downstage.   The entrance to the apartment is off stage right and the door to the apartment should be visable.    There are small giggles and a general scuffle as you hear a the jingling of keys and the turning of the lock.    Odile bursts into the apartment first, followed eagerly by Matt.   While he is kissing her from behind, she is trying to close the door and saying, 'Shhhhhh, Shhhhh mon chou chou' until she locks the door and he presses her against it and they kiss a long, slow kiss.   She ends the kiss by putting her fingers to his lips.

Odile
It goes like this... (she begins to sing softly)
Quand il me prend dans ses bras
il me parle tout bas
Je vois la vie en rose
(he tries to kiss her again, but she escapes and starts to walk backwards into the room)
Il me dit des mots d'amour

Matt
Odile....

Odile
das mots de tous le jours
et ca me fait quelques choses
Il est entre dans mon couer

Matt
Come here, my little Freedom fry.

Odile
une part de bonheur
Dont je connais la cause
(Matt starts growling in desire repeating, C'mon babe, c'mere Odile)
c'est lui pour moi, moi pour lui
dans la vie el me la dit,
a jus pour la vie et des que je l'apervois alors...
(she keeps on escaping him slowly and finally sits on the couch and allows him to catch her, almost whispering)
La vie...en... (they kiss) ....rose....
(she draws this out softly, while he starts kissing her neck savagely, really panting like a beast.   She is almost trying to calm him with this song.   He goes at it for a second or two before they hear this terrible, long fart off-stage.   It surprises them both, and they sit up a bit.)

Matt
What was that?

Odile
I don't know.   It sounded like...

Matt
Is someone farting in the other room?

Odile
Farting?

Matt

Do you have a dog or something? (another loud, monstrous fart is heard) Jesus.

Odile
(she runs to the lightswith by the door they entered in and turns on the lights.   Another fart is heard.   This one small)
It's coming from the toilet. (she points)

Matt
Do you have a bat?

Odile
A what?

Matt
A bat.   A baseball bat.   Something to hit with.
(he gets up and starts looking hurriedly.   Another monstrous fart)

Odile
Mon Dieu!

Matt
I need something to hit with.
(grabs a baguette from the kitchen in desperation, and starts for a split second for the bathroom before he realizes.)
This isn't going to work.   Do you have a....harder one at least?

Odile
(looks at Matt, realizing he's useless.   Screams to the bathroom)
Qui est?
(toilet flushes.   Matt looks around desperately)

Matt
Where's all your...stuff?   There's nothing to hit with!
(finally grabs a small espresso kettle thingy and starts to the bathroom door.  
Is halfway when Jacques exits the bathroom, dressed only in a towel.   He is drunk.)

Jacques
Bon soir.
(Matt looks at Jacques confused and then at Odile)

Odile
Putain. (Jacques notices Matt)

Jacques
Oh, pardonez moi.   I didn't know you would be bringing home a visitor. How rude of me. (Jacques goes up to Matt, smiling lazily and kisses him on both cheeks. Matt is still holding the coffee machine in the air) J'mappele Jacques.

Odile
(going to her purse which she has laid on the table for a cigarette)
He's American, Jacques.

Jacques
Of course he is.   We all are. (he sits on the couch)

Matt
You know each other?

Odile
This is Jacques. (Matt puts his arm down) My.... (she looks Jacques straight in the eye) brother.

Matt
Oh, I'm sorry.   Nice to meet you, Jock.
(He says this with a terrible American accent and puts out hand to shake, which Jacques takes and kisses)

Jacques
You can call me Jack.   It's less painful.

Matt
You didn't tell me you lived with your brother. (goes to put espresso thing back)

Odile
I didn't know I did either.   (to Jacques quickly) What are you still doing here, you stupid cow?

Jacques
(reaching for her) Last night I was your tiger, today I am your cow.   How you change, Odile.

Odile
I'm seeing you in a different light.   (she smokes)  

Jacques
How's the light different?

Odile
They're on.  
(she gets up and leads Mike who was leaving the kitchen, back into it.)
Vien ici.   I have to show you the view from the balcony.  
(they walk through the kitchen and go out to the balcony where she kisses him.)
Stay here.   I'm going to talk with Jacques.
(he pulls to kiss her again, she pulls away)
A few minutes, chou chou.   Look at the view until.
(she leaves, and he looks after her, completely frustrated, almost touching his groin and then turns to the view and lights a Marlboro)

Jacques
You're getting desperate, Odile.

Odile
You're drunk and you're ruining my night.   Leave.

Jacques
Really, you're getting desperate.    This one looks like a fish.

Odile
And you're getting pathetic.   What, she won't take you back?

Jacques
I have a broken heart and a body full of wine.   Take pity.
(reaches for her)

Odile
Jacques, please tomorrow.

Jacques
But I'm in love with you tonight.

Odile
And tomorrow?

Jacques
I don't know, are you busy?

Odile
I have a dinner date.

Jacques
With who?

Odile
I don't know yet, but I just got a new dress and it's spring, so the tourists are in town.   Call me in October, when I'm all fucked out.

Jacques
You can't fuck every American man you meet.

Odile
Actually, I can.   They're quite easy.   They're like dogs in heat.

Jacques
And I've been meaning to ask you this- why only Americans?

Odile
Well, Jacques, you know how some people read newspapers, some people go to demonstrations, some people vote?   Well, all of that bores me.   It's a great big bore.   I like to fuck, and if I can do that to help my country, I will do it my best.

Jacques
You're using your pussy as an ambassador.

Odile
It's the least I can do.   Really, when it all comes down it, it's just sex.   You can talk and debate until you are blue in the face, but unless people change how they make love, nothing will change.   You see the American men, they make love like apes.   If they knew all the pleasures, all of the subtleties of the body, do you think they would bomb everything?   They just need to be touched the right way.

Jacques
Fucking as a political act?

Odile
Why not?   Every action is a political action.   I feel the best thing I can do for the Americans is show them what real pussy is.  

Jacques
I don't understand you at all.   And more so, I don't care to.
(goes for her lap)  

Odile
Have you ever seen American pussy?   The women there are like an all you can eat buffet.   They spread their legs open and have the most awful and spoiled things in between them.   A lot of food, no quality.   It's no wonder they have to use condoms there.   (she slaps him away) Have you been to a buffet in America?   I went to an awful one, they have all this food and these glass plates above them.

Jacques
Sneeze guards.

Odile
Yes, sneeze guards, exactly.   So everyone that leans over doesn't get all of their germs in the food.   They need condoms in America like they need their sneeze guards on their buffets.   To keep you far away enough from the food that you don't have to actually see how disgusting it is before you put it on your plate.

Jacques
You're amazing, Odile.

Odile
And I think that if American men could just know the quality of things, the French way of life, they would never go back.   I feel sorry for them with their buffet pussies.   No wonder they want to fuck everything. They get no satisfaction from what they do fuck.

Jacques
You are crazy, but amazing in your own way.   You think you are going to change the world by putting it between your legs.   A twenty first century Joan of Arc.

Odile
It's called direct action.   And it works better than voting.   Feels better too.

Jacques
But I'm American too, Odile.   I need to be taught as well.
(He sits next to her and starts touching her legs)

Odile
You are not American.   You were born there, yes, but you have lived here too long.    You understand quality.   I can tell.   Now, come on, you have to get out.

Jacques
Can't I stay?   I love playing with Americans.   Maybe I could join in, show him a really great night in Paris.   We could fuck him properly from both sides.

Odile
Mon Cherie, you would make a wonderful politician.

Jacques
Of course, I would have to turn off the lights to forget the fish face.
(Matt returns, cautiously)

Matt
That is one beautiful view.

Odile
(glares at Jacques)  
Please, Jacques.

Matt
Am I disturbing something?

Jacques
We were just talking about fish.   Maybe cooking some fish for dinner.

Matt
Oh, we already ate.

Jacques
But I didn't, and I know she's still hungry.

Matt
Hey, I know this song about fish.   It's a very famous song, and it's French.
(sings)
"Le poisson Le poisson
How I love le poisson
How I love to eat little fish
First you cut off your head
It don't hurt, 'cause they're dead.
da da da da da da da da
Le poisson Le poisson
Hee Hee Hee Hoh Hoh
da da da da da da da da"
Do you know it?

Jacques
That song is not French.

Matt
It's from 'The Little Mermaid'.   A Walt Disney movie.

Jacques
That song has one French word in it.

Matt
Yeah, I know, but it has the only French I know.   I know Le poisson, Oui, no, and voule vouz couchez avec moi ce soir?   Do you know that song, Odile?

Jacques
She sings it every night.

Odile
Excuse me. (she goes to the bathroom)

Matt
There's also another very famous song you might know.   It has your name in it.   It's called 'Hit the Road, Jack.'

Jacques
Yes yes.   (sits down very close next to him, too close) And what's your name, again?

Matt
Matt.

Jacques
Ah, and in French, we would call you Mahhhhhht.   Oui Mahhhthieu. Enchante, Mahhhhtheiu.
(he is leaning too close to Matt. Who turns slowly to Jacques)

Matt
Do you like football?

Jacques
I adore it.   All of those men just running around, all chasing after one great big ball.   It's enchanting.

Matt
(gets up) Wow, so you're Odile's brother, why do you have a different accent?

Jacques
I watch a lot of Mtv.
(gets up and goes to Matt) I ... (takes a deep breath and exhales extravagantly)
have this...thing for Americans.

Matt
Yeah, it's a great country.

Jacques
And Americans sometimes have great things for me. (reaching for Matt)

Matt
Ummmm...Odile

Jacques
Why are you running away?   Sit down, relax.   Don't worry, I know a lot of Americans that come over here, it's hard for them to deal with the cultural differences.
(he lays down on the couch.   Odile exits bathroom.   Matt looks at her and runs in.)

Odile
What are you doing?

Jacques
Having fun.

Odile
Get dressed, Jacques.

Jacques
Just so I can get undressed again in a few minutes?

Odile
Nothing is happening tonight except for you going home.

Jacques
I don't know, I think it may.   Come here.    Just for a minute, let me kiss you like last night while Mickey Mouse is in the bathroom.

Odile
Jacques...

Jacques
Just one kiss, and you can make up your mind.   If you don't feel like being with me afterwards, I will leave.   But one kiss, and decide.

Odile
(goes to him and kisses him )
Mmmmmm.   Lovely, but now you have to go.   Allez.   Go get dressed.

Jacques
No one cares for a broken heart anymore.   Not tonight, not ever.
(he goes into the bedroom to change.   Odile sits alone, making another cigarette.   Finally she goes to knock on the bathroom door)

Odile
Matt?

Matt
(peeks out) Is he gone yet?

Odile
Soon.   Mon chou chou.   Soon.  
(kisses him deeply, he pushes her away a bit)

Matt
Your brother is...sort of...

Odile
I know, I know.

Matt
You know?...

Odile
But he'll leave soon, and then it will just be you and me.

Matt
And you're okay with it?   Wow, I guess I'm not used to this.   Maybe this is how it is in France.   I know some guys like that in Valpraiso, but...

Odile
Come here.   Sit down.   I'm sorry for my brother.

Matt
And what are those little toilet things everybody has?   Do you wash your dogs in there?

Odile
What?

Matt
There are those little tub things, and are they for washing all the little dogs that I see around here?

Odile
Oh, the bidet.   No, no that's not for washing our dogs.

Matt
What are they for, am I supposed to piss in there?   I don't get it.

Odile
That's for washing.

Matt
Washing what?

Odile
I'll show you later.
(Jacques returns, dressed, and yawning)

Jacques
What is that you're talking about?

Odile
Bidets

Matt
I thought they were for washing little dogs.

Jacques
But they are, aren't they Joan of Arc?

Odile
Jacques...

Jacques
Yes, yes I know. (Yawns, great big stretch) Well, do you know what it's time for? (waits expectantly) A glass of wine.

Odile
Jacques!

Jacques
Oh, just one glass of red wine, to celebrate the American in Paris.   I wouldn't feel right just leaving without one glass for celebration.

Odile
One glass, and then you go.

Jacques
But of course.
(Odile goes to get the glasses and the bottle of wine.   Meanwhile, Jacques goes over to Matt and sits very close to him again and puts his hand on his knee.   Matt gets up quickly and goes to the kitchen to help Odile)

Matt
Let me help you Odile.
(Jacques leans back in his seat, putting on his shoes while Matt gets her in the kitchen and almost desperately starts kissing her.   She kisses him back quite strongly and then leaves to put the glasses on the table. Matt stays in the kitchen for a second, not wanting to go back in the room with Jacques, and while Odile leans in front of the table to put the glasses down, Jacques pinches her ass, and she shoos him away quickly, putting his hands back on his lap.   He takes her hand and brings it to his lips, which she lets him keep there, almost sorry, but frustrated, while she walks back behind the couch where she slightly slaps him and returns to the kitchen to pull Matt back in the scene, seductively, who is holding the bottle of wine.   She leads him to be in the center and sits him next to Jacques.   He gets up quickly)
I'll pour.
(While he does, Jacques starts feeling up Odile again, pulling her towards him in a quick kiss.   She gives in for a second and then pushes him away, leaning forward to take her glass of wine.   Jacques then pinches Matt's ass.   Matt looks up and then turns to Jacques, who bats his eyelashes furiously and then takes a glass of red wine.   Matt turns to Odile who is now downing her wine, and then steps over her, and drinks his standing.   Odile, quickly pulls him to sit next to her, forcing her to sit closer to Jacques, who grabs her leg.   She kicks him, while Matt puts his hands on Odiles legs, nervous as hell, and while Odile leans forward, Jacques touches Matt's shoulder, Matt turns, and Jacques winks.   Matt finishes his drink quickly, Odile closes her eyes, and Jacques rolls his head back)

Jacques
I love red wine.
(Odile shoots him a look)

Odile
Jacques...

Jacques
I know.   I know.   I will see you tomorrow, Odile, mon cherie.   And I wish you the best of luck tonight with the fish.   (kisses her on both cheeks, and then right on the lips.   Starts to the door and then turns back, suddenly) And how rude of me, Mathhhht.   I almost forgot to say good-bye. (kisses him long on the lips, goes back to the door, opens it, turns back) Welcome, my friend, to Paris. (turns off the lights in preparation for exit.   Blackout)